"Rotten betrayal of the thirteenth variety" Copyright (c) 2003 Kimmo Kulovesi This is a program in the Shakespeare Programming Language DRAMATIS PERSONAE. Julius Caesar, a troubled chief of state in Rome. Cleopatra, Caesar's mistress with a strikingly pointed nose. Brutus, a trusted henchman whom Caesar fondly calls "Et tu". Adonis, a handyman who performs services for Caesar. Helen, said she went to Troy on vacation, but came to woo Caesar instead. Act I: Behind Caesar's back. Scene I: In the bedchamber of Cleopatra. [Enter Brutus and Cleopatra] Brutus: Thou art as sweet as the sum of the sweetest fair blue angel and a fine big black horse! Cleopatra: You are as hairy as the product of a big big furry animal and my old little rural aunt! Brutus: Thou art as lovely as the product of thyself and your proud nose! [Exeunt] Scene II: Later that night, in the bedchamber of Caesar. [Enter Julius Caesar and Adonis] Adonis: You are as bottomless as a fine happy warm furry sweet hamster! Julius Caesar: You are as big as the sum of Brutus and myself! [Enter Cleopatra] [Exit Adonis] Cleopatra: You are a disgusting dirty old goat! Julius Caesar: You are as bad as the sum of yourself and the sum of myself and my big fellow! [Exit Cleopatra] [Enter Helen] Act II: Helen comes to comfort Caesar. Scene I: In Caesar's chambers. Helen: Open your mind. Julius Caesar: Am I bigger than Adonis? Helen: If so, we must proceed to act III! Julius Caesar: Am I better than Brutus? Helen: If so, we must proceed to act IV! Julius Caesar: Am I as bad as a flirt-gill? Helen: If so, we must proceed to act VII! Julius Caesar: Let us proceed to act VI. Act III: Helen has Caesar right where she wants him. Scene I: In Helen's bedchamber. Julius Caesar: You are as delicious as the sum of Adonis and Cleopatra! Helen: We must proceed to act V! Act IV: Caesar acts it out with Helen. Scene I: In Helen's bedchamber. Julius Caesar: You are as loving as the sum of Cleopatra and Brutus! Act V: Caesar is troubled afterwards. Scene I: In Helen's bedchamber. Julius Caesar: Am I fresher than you? Helen: If so, let us proceed to act VI. You are as charming as the sum of yourself and the quotient between Cleopatra and a rich roman! Julius Caesar: Am I better than you? Helen: If so, you are as good as the difference between yourself and Cleopatra! Act VI: Helen seeks to comfort the troubled Caesar. Scene I: In Helen's bedchamber. Helen: Speak your mind. Julius Caesar: Let us return to act II. Act VII: The end. Scene I: In the hallway. [Exit Helen] [Exit Julius Caesar]